Boring Commercials, Lame Announcing, a Horrid Halftime Show, and a Screeching Eagles' Spike-the-Ball-in-Your-Face Ass-Kicking that Would Have Put Hunter S. Thompson to Sleep
We were way overdue for a dud with a thud. And what we got was a bomb.
After nearly a decade of thrilling Super Bowl finishes that usually went down to the closing minutes or even seconds, instead the world that was still awake witnessed an ass-kicking on Sunday in New Orleans. Unless you're a Philadelphia fan or an Eagles’ bettor, or some kind of sick masochist grave dancing all things Chiefs and Mahomes, Super Bowl LIX was a miss and a splat that took 4 hours and 23 minutes to play to a merciless conclusion, but was effectively decided long before the halftime rapper. Kansas City-style barbecue may be popular, but the Chiefs ended up getting smoked in their own slow cooker. Their tender offensive line split apart like a rack of baby backs.
Lots to cover. Several thoughts:
IT’S ALL TOO MUCH: THE LONGEST PRE-GAME
The football game is presumably one-hour long, quadrupled with extra padding (otherwise known as time outs and television commercials). But really – it’s two whole weeks. Okay, six months – and that’s all secondary to the party on game day.
The two-week marathon countdown nestled in between the AFC and NFC conference championship games and the biggest game of the year creates great anticipation, of course. However, whatever the players eventually do on the field doesn’t matter so much as hoping to hit the magic 2 and the miracle 9 on the football office squares while helping ourselves to another tablespoon of the guacamole dip while half the boss’s living room cheers for the Eagles and the other half roots for the Chiefs, and by kickoff everyone’s liquored up and half baked.
Pre-game shows bore me. I didn’t watch any of them. That goes for ESPN and FOX and even the NFL Network. Okay, I did watch Animal Planet’s annual Puppy Bowl. Imean, cute puppies – c’mon. Given the media’s focus this year, you’d think Taylor Swift was the starting quarterback. Oh, and the President of the United States announced that he’lll show up at the Super Bowl, surprisingly the first in history ever to do that. As if there’s not enough pre-game distractions already. Not sure how he got a ticket and a great seat, as the game was a sellout months in advance. He must know somebody.
The game was scheduled to start at 3:30 (my time), so I figured 3 pm would give me a chance to take in everything that’s really important – the fitting tributes, the moment of silence (somebody always gets a moment of silence–this year it was the 102-year-old late lady owner of the Chicago Bears who was famous only because her old man created the NFL way back in 1923), and finally that sucky 1812 war poem put to military music that’s so sacred to millions of Americans known as “The Star-Mangled Banner.”
Previous Super Bowl performers have delivered it and some have also butchered it. In recent years, the annual national anthem recital has become more controversial than a late pass interference flag on 3rd and 10. This time around, many critics didn’t like New Orleans-born Jon Batiste’s rendering of the anthem, as he took a few lyrical liberties late in the song. Repeating “land of the free” four times in the closing seconds reveals that he was trying to make a bold statement, or perhaps Batiste bet the “OVER” on time duration). But overall, I thought the piano performance at midfield was a nice touch of class. And so long as he didn’t lip sync (which is the ultimate phony disrespect), I give Batiste a passing grade.
Unfortunately, Batiste wasn’t the game’s halftime performer. When the music’s over, turn out the lights.
ANNOUNCERS: REACHING FOR THE MUTE BUTTON
Warning! Here’s some boring old man talk: Back in my day, young whippersnappers, I remember the great broadcast announcers of the past. On television, nobody was better than NBC’s Curt Gowdy, then CBS’ tandem of Pat Summerall and John Madden. No NFL color announcer could eclipse the power of ABC’s Howard Cosell as an authority figure and a lightning rod. Maybe you didn’t like them or agree with them, but those were voices of the football gods.
Fast forward to 2025. Who was it who called Super Bowl LIX? I mean the play-by-play guy. What was his name? I honestly don’t know. Seriously, I have no clue who was speaking for four-plus hours telling me who caught the ball or made the tackle. Utterly indistinguishable. He sounded like the PA guy who makes the generic announcements about unaccompanied baggage at the airport. Booooring.
Then, there’s Tom Brady. Oh, man. Can we please pull Babe Laufenberg off the bench and warm him up? Emmitt Smith mumbling with a mouthful of marbles live on-the-air made more sense. The future Hall of Famer and master-flater is certainly a football legend with enough rings to choke a stadium filled with longsuffering Buffalo Bills and Minnesota Vikings fans, but Brady’s contribution to our knowledge and enjoyment of the game on Sunday was about as impactful as the Kansas City non-existent rushing attack. While most announcers are polarizing to serious football fans – just ask Tony Romo and Cris Collinsorth, who have their own hater-websites) – Brady is in a class all by himself, utterly unlistenable as a football analyst. There’s no excuse for this. One would have expected 22 weeks of prep and practice to show improvement, but Brady hasn’t improved. He’s gotten worse. It’s almost as bad as watching Aaron Rodgers in a Jets’ uniform.
Speaking of grey old quarterbacks – did anyone else watch Terry Bradshaw struggle to host the post-game trophy presentation? His voice cracked and he sounded like someone from Louisiana trying to do an impersonation of Don Corleone. My best guess is Bradshaw will always have a place as an NFL panelist because – just like Brady – he owns the jewelry to walk with the talk, but the last time this guy played in a Super Bowl the Colts were still in Baltimore.
False start. Time out. I’m getting way ahead of myself.
A DAY OF COMMERCIALS OCCASIONALLY INTERRUPTED BY A FOOTBALL GAME:
I don't get it.
These companies spend more than $8 million for a single television advertising placement. Plus the high cost of hiring celebrity talent and filming. Some of these commercials end up costing $10 to 20 million, which used to be the total budget for a full-length two-hour Hollywood movie.
So, how is it that most of these 30-second commercials are so excruciatingly awful? So unfunny? So lame? So boring? So forgetful? It's the antithesis of what creative advertising is all about, and these are supposed to be the BEST commercials, with the BEST talent, by the BEST ad people in the world? Really? This is the BEST they can come up with?
I really want to know. Is there a group of "PR experts" at major advertising agencies that sit around a circle jerk of an executive boardroom someplace in an ivory tower and after all the creative ideas flow in and the scripts are edited and re-written, and the client makes a final decision on which is the best creative, everyone screams "Viola!!! That's the one! That’s it!"
No, that's shit.
There were lots of commercials on Sunday and most of what wasn’t annoying was instead–instantly forgettable. As in--what was that all about? Once again, I particularly despised the juvenile Dunkin Donuts ad with Ben Affleck, so embarrassingly unfunny it's cringeworthy. Affleck exudes about as much charisma as Andy Reid in a coma (and check that--Reid may have wished he was in a coma to forget this game). I have no idea why this Boston wooden cutout appeals to anyone. Unfortunately, they'll cut and splice that awful Dunkin donut commercial and make us re-watch parts of it 43,891,802 times over the next month.
What ad spots I did enjoy were (in no particular order):
Harrison Ford for Jeep -- Okay, so I own two Jeeps. I'm biased. Great message. Great messenger. Great inspiration. Great vehicle (anyone wants to buy a 2007 Cherokee, with 117K miles and new battery and shocks--I'll make you a helluva' deal). Loved the unifying theme, the appeal to patriotism, the reinforcement of the Jeep brand (these green beasts were the wheels that won WWII). Great ad.
NFL Youth Charities Ad -- This was a public service announcement mid-second quarter. The NFL often promotes its good charitable works, so 60-seconds was given to the many wonderful causes all over the country, mostly for children, which make our communities better. On a day of noise, the quiet tone of that commercial imposed with smiling faces of children brought a tear. Well done.
Hellmann's: "I'll have what she's having" -- Hellman's mayonnaise did a fun recreation of the classic ‘80’s movie scene from When Harry Met Sally inside the NYC diner. Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan, nearly 40 years later, reprise their roles. It's entirely predictable, of course. But we can't help but watch, smile, and laugh.
The Beer/Water Commercial -- I can't remember what the product was called exactly. But they did a funny commercial. It opens up with people of authority popping the tops on what appear to be large cans of beer and chugging them down. First, a surgeon. Then, a police officer. An airline pilot. A school bus driver. They pop open a cold brew, slug it, and then head off to work. Okay, so where is this going? Suddenly, giant letters appear on screen, something to the effect: This is not beer. This is the new energy drink water (whatever it's called). Come to think of it, that might not have been such a great ad after all since I have no recollection of the name of the product. It did make me want to chug a cold beer, though.
The Commercial You Probably Missed -- After the game ended, there was a commercial for a tax preparation service. Too bad almost nobody saw it. The bit was funny and smart and one of the few that would appeal to ACTUAL FOOTBALL FANS. I loved it. It showed a middle-aged couple sitting in the kitchen, doing taxes. The wife is in front of a laptop and asks hubby, "how much should we declare from what we made at last week's garage sale?" That alone is a pretty funny line if you know what I mean, then all the sudden a tall Black man barges into the dining room and takes over the woman's spot at the computer. He starts looking at the screen and typing. Huh? Then, a graphic pops up with JACOBY BRISSETT'S name. Yeah, it's perennial backup QB Jacoby Brissett, who has spent a decade playing second-string for like half the teams in the NFL. The announcer says "it's too bad we don't have a backup for all of life's problems, but at such-and-such tax service, we've got you covered." Jacoby Brissett in a Super Bowl ad. Brilliant.
THE HORRID HALFTIME SHOW:
All over social media, much has been made about the controversial Super Bowl halftime show and rap music performer who somehow managed to pile-drive a vampire stake even deeper into the heart and soul of a hopelessly divided nation. Nevermind the football game. Forget about politics. Music has become the tribal trench warfare of the 21st Century.
[Side Note: As evidence, the hot topic that created the single greatest number of comments in the history of my personal website --2,100+ published articles-- was an incendiary review of electronic dance music (839 comments so far, and they're still coming in 11 years afterward--including two actual death threats that I'm particularly proud of). When you fuck with somebody's music, things get personal. And ugly.]
I don't mind the occasional rapper in the big show, nor any other musical genre for that matter. Go ahead. Mix things up. A country star? Not my thing, but give it a go every once in a while. A rocker? Hmm. Are there any rockers left under the age of 80? A rapper? Yeah, let me repeat myself -- invite the occasional "rap artist" to blow into a microphone every few years. But wait. Didn’t the NFL shove a similar show down our throats just a few years ago -- including Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Mary J. Blige, and some guy named Kendrick Lamar? Heck, this Lamar guy has been on more Super Bowl fields than the Mannings.
Many of my friends, what friends I still have, accuse me of being old and out of touch. Even intolerant. They’ve tried to explain the rapper is really a genius and his message was both challenging and uplifting to the audience. My question is – what audience? When a majority of the country is “missing” the message, maybe it’s best to figure out a different way of delivering it. I shouldn’t need musical cliff notes and someone with a PhD in urban studies to explain to me why I should be enjoying the halftime show.
Even though I can agree with the dwindling number of friends still talking to me over this, that yes – rap should be in the halftime show on occasion, and yeah, I just don’t “get it”....I’m still left with a bad taste in my mouth. Go ahead and tell me broccoli is healthy and pure and good for me and something I should keep trying. Fuck that, I hate broccoli. And fuck (most) rap, too.
My last friend just blocked me.
TRAVIS KELCE’S BAD LOOK:
I presume the image was real. Someone posted a photo on social media. It showed Kansas City star Travis Kelce standing in a casino, shooting craps. This was taken either Friday or Saturday before the game.
Listen. I love to gamble. I love to shoot craps. I love to drink. Hell, I’ve shot craps at that same table – having worked more than 100 days and nights inside the Harrah’s New Orleans Casino, where I used to pull two 2-week gigs a year. I get it Travis, you’re rich and famous and you love to toss the bones across the felt.
But, hey man. Wait until AFTER the big game. It’s not a good look, especially when Kelce didn’t even have a catch until midway through the 3rd quarter in a game they were losing 893-0. He also had a first-down pass dropped. Pretend the ball is a pair of dice, Travis.
The good old days of Len Dawson smoking a couple of Pall Malls at halftime are over. The times when Ken Stabler could drink a six-pack of beer and then wake up with a half-hangover the next morning and then go out and throw for 350 yards and three touchdowns are a thing of the past. Kelce’s lack of self-awareness on the eve of the biggest game of the year, and perhaps the most monumental game in Kansas City Chiefs history since they were shooting for a three-peat, was a glaring embarrassment.
Kelce is a great football player, and he catches a lot of heat – some of it deserved. However, this wound to his otherwise heroic image was self-inflicted. The Chiefs ended up getting blown out, and Kelce was only a small part of much bigger problems. Nonetheless, players shouldn’t be out at night shooting craps before the Super Bowl.
THE GAME:
Oh, there was a football game. Who knew?
If you’d have told me the Eagles star RB Saquon Barkley would have 25 carries for 57 yards, and a measly 2.3 YPC average, I probably would have bet my house on the Chiefs. Add the lackluster 2 receptions for 27 yards by Dallas Goedert. Then, if you told me Patrick Mahomes would have more TD passes and more passing yards than Kalen Hurts, I would have borrowed money to bet on Kansas City.
Seriously, data may always tell us the truth, but then the stats do lie sometimes.
The only stat that really mattered was on the scoreboard. Philadelphia 40, Kansas City 22.
FINAL END-OF-SEASON BETTING RESULTS:
Now, some personal housekeeping. I’ll talk straight and simple here, as this is my final post of the 2024-25 NFL season.
This was a tough season. Very tough. There were 301 posted picks.
I struggled along the way, hoovering around the break-even mark for several weeks during the midseason. Some things I uncovered worked. Others failed. Fortunately, I also closed the season strongly, ending up at +25 games above the .500 mark and a +7.93 percent profit margin.
Are those results great – no. But for always 100 percent free content (thanks to Betcoin.ag for providing this excellent public platform), I think it’s pretty good. I’ll also be glad to end another season on a winning note and plus-money record. For those keeping score, that’s 10 winning seasons and 3 losing seasons since 2012, and all those results are verifiable (see: nolandalla.com)
2024 NFL BETTING RECORD:
WINS — 161
LOSSES — 136
PUSH — 4
NET WIN/LOSS — +$1793
LAST WEEK’S RESULTS — 7-2 (+$708)
STARTING BANKROLL: $10,000
CURRENT BANKROLL: $10,793
ALL WAGERS ARE FOR $100 EACH AND ARE PRICED AT THE STANDARD 110/100 VIG, (UNLESS NOTED OTHERWISE)
FINAL WEEK’S RESULTS (WEEK 22): READ WRITE-UPS HERE
PHI QB Jalen Hurts to win Super Bowl MVP (+360)...W
Player Prop -- PHI QB Hurts to score a touchdown-anytime (-120)...W
Player Prop -- PHI QB Hurts OVER 37.5 rushing yards (-115)...W
Team Prop -- Philadelphia to have longest drive (game clock time) (-114)...W
Player Prop -- KC RB Hunt OVER 6.5 receiving yards (-112)...L
Game Prop -- Largest Lead of the Game UNDER 14.5 points (-140)...L
Game Prop -- KC TE Kelce to have more receiving yardage than PHI TE Goedert (-170)...W
Player Prop -- KC QB Mahomes to throw most interceptions (if equal, it's a push) (-125) ...W
Team Prop -- Philadelphia team total in second-half OVER 12.5 points (-121)...W
FINAL THOUGHTS:
Watching, taking it all in, absorbing the realization that we were swindled by the bait and switch, I marvel at what delicious delicacies of witty insult the late Hunter would have pinned on the Battle of New Orleans that was not, fluffed to full erection by billions in gambling dollars, bookended by a bombardment of annoying product placements, and a ceaseless show parade of preening celebrities. Thompson probably would have advised everyone to just forget about football, dive into the hallucinogenic mushrooms, and raid the hotel bar of Wild Turkey.
Nolan Dalla can be contacted at: [email protected]
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